I cried all morning, but wasn’t sure why. I took them to God in my quiet time of rest, seeking answers, finding peace again but still uncertain why I was crying. My heart just felt extra tender today.
Then as I finished I saw an alert on my phone telling me that my credit card had just been used in London to purchase train tickets. I was immediately able to block my card just before two other attempts, so there was only one charge that got through.
I was instructed to call my bank immediately, so I did. I hung up with a new sense of gratefulness for the quick response of my bank and being told I would not be responsible for the charge. In tears again, but I knew why this time, for God’s protection. So I thought it only fitting to post this poem God put on my heart a few weeks ago about how God can even redeem our tears. I hope you enjoy it. If you can relate, leave a comment, I would like to hear your experience of God’s beautiful redemption in your life.
A past filled with broken dreams
Hidden behind a mask of lies
A girl so naïve she thought she was loved
Her only tears filled with fear
By the grace of God she escaped his grasp
With a jaded view and a shattered heart
Her tears redeemed by scars and love
You may see her cry but she’s not sad
If she could save her tears and bottle them up
Dose by dose she would prescribe them to the world
Looking
at my phone to determine the weather isn’t always accurate. I realized this
recently when I checked my phone and saw that it said it was 57 degrees only to
find a different story when I headed out the door to a chilly 30 something.
On
another day, it was not supposed to rain, at all, according to my phone. But
when I got outside, the pavement was wet, and a drizzling mist was falling from
the sky. This didn’t deter me from running but I thought in that moment that we
can’t always predict what the weather will be until we are in it. We can be
prepared for it and head back in to change or add layers as needed when
presented with the day. In other words, we can take the appropriate action
based on the situation as it is presented.
I
believe the same goes for taking each day as it comes to us and knowing God
will equip us with what we need to handle any situation that arises. If we are
listening, and ready to respond with courage, trusting and being obedient, we
don’t have to worry about being where God wants us. He will lead us to the
mission He has for us when His timing is right.
We
sometimes want to rush the process or go out on our own to figure out how to
get the end results we want now instead of waiting. But we can trust God and
know that waiting on Him is part of the plan most of the time and His timing is
perfect. He may still be preparing part of the mission or people we will need
to help us on our journey.
We
just need to be prepared and ready to move when He presents us with the
opportunity, without fear of missing it. We can rest assured He is always
working and is preparing the way before us.
We
can be prepared by having faith in the One who created us and chose us for the
mission. Sometimes our days don’t go as planned but we can trust in God’s plan
and enjoy the journey. Every day is an adventure when we are open to His opportunities.
Sometimes we just need a new perspective instead of getting upset about the
changes each day brings.
…morning
by morning He awakens me and opens my understanding to His will. Isaiah 50:4
Now
that it is getting colder again, I had to remind myself how many layers I
really need as I head out the door for an early morning run.
The
first cold snap and I put on way too many. I overdressed due to the initial
shock of the temperatures as I had been accustomed to the warmer mornings. But
from experience I knew I would warm up quickly when I got moving and be too
hot. I allowed my feelings in the moment decide for me and influence my
decision instead of going off experience and knowledge of the truth.
That
is so easy to do in other situations of our lives as well. We take how we are
feeling the moment and make a rash decision rather than looking into our past
experiences to pull out a well-thought out decision.
We
sometimes block out all awareness of Christ and go through life to the beat of
our own song. That is when we miss a lot of blessings. Bitterness destroys
lives, marriages and relationships.
Regret
and resentment from bad choices can weigh on us and we start to allow it to
define us and our self-worth takes a nose dive off the deep end. We sink like a
rock. That’s where Jesus comes in and throws us a life-line.
I
am learning to hit pause on my decision making until I have consulted God. I
have found Him to be a helpful and necessary consultant. This practice has
saved me from many bad decisions or ones that are made from feelings, in the
moment, rather than being based on His truth and knowledge from lessons
learned. If we look to Him before charging out on our own it can save us from
some major catastrophes in our life.
Leaning
to hit pause before I speak is also something I have had to learn over time. It
has kept me from blurting out something I would regret later. A simple, silent
prayer or whisper, “Help me Holy Spirit” helps me hold my tongue in certain
situations and respond appropriately.
There
are still times that I mess up, make mistakes and don’t know how to be honest
and direct in my communications. Usually because I don’t want to hurt someone’s
feelings. God is still working on me. He gives me insight on how to respond the
next time and courage to be honest and properly communicate what I mean.
Honesty
is always the best policy. That doesn’t mean I have to be mean or rude. It
simply means I can say what I mean in a kind, gentle way. I need to be direct
in my communications, so others are clear about my stance. Not being clear has
gotten me in trouble in the past. Not being able to say no is something I dealt
with that I don’t want to continue. Being firm is sometimes necessary in
certain situations. Boundaries are healthy and necessary.
Decisions
themselves have always been a struggle in my life. It was always easier to just
allow others to make them for me and not stand up for myself. (This is how I
became a co-dependent, people-pleaser) I grew up in a family that didn’t
communicate what they were really thinking. Trying to decide where to eat became a major
decision every time and resulted in us not being able to make any of the
important decisions in our lives. That carried over into adulthood for most of
my life. But God, is showing me how to make healthy choices and decisions that
have changed my life and ultimately lead me to Christ.
He
saved me from my bad choices and tells me that is not who I am. When our
self-worth is found in Christ alone we can get our head out of the water and
see the light again.
The
only one I need to please is God. That makes all my decisions clearer by asking
what God wants for me, based on His truth and the knowledge He gives me.
“Trust the Lord with all your heart, do not
depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show
you which path to take. Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.” Proverbs
3:5-7
An honest answer
is like a kiss of friendship. Proverbs 24:26
Early
in the mornings as most of you know I can be found circling my block. Running
is my jam. It gives me the energy to get through my day and I use the time to
pray, process and be thankful.
Sometimes
I see a family waiting for the wheels bus to pick up a couple of people, on the
other side of the block. One of which is in a wheelchair. I think she is new to
the household as I don’t remember seeing her until recently. My neighbor is a
caregiver for the mentally challenged. What a sweet blessing.
This
girl was very friendly and speaks to me each time I pass by. The first couple
of times were a simple, “Hi.” The third
time was, “Hi again!” Always in high spirits. This particular morning the bus
must have been running late as she was still there on my fourth round, when I
heard, “I love you!”
Wow,
how sweet is that?! She barely knows me, yet she loves me. Isn’t this how we
are all supposed to be? I believe that is what God meant when he instructed us
to love our neighbor. We should all be so kind with unconditional love of our neighbor.
Even when we don’t know them. (And sometimes even more if we do.)
God
knows everything about us, yet He loves us anyway. What a miraculous blessing
to have a good Father who sees us through the lens of love with unmeasurable
grace. Let’s share that kind of love and grace with others, especially our
neighbors.
On
one of my morning runs, I saw a black and white cat run across in front of me, not
just once but twice. Most of its body was black but it’s head and neck were
white. It made me think about how we look at things as black and white or gray
when we are somewhere in the middle.
I
used to be all on the black side before I surrendered to Christ. When I began my
journey, it didn’t happen overnight the day I was baptized. The bible says come
as you are not wait until you are completely clean.
I
then started thinking about pivotal moments in history when there were bad or
good things that happened in the world. We all know exactly where we were when
we heard the news about 9-11 for instance. I have also had pivotal moments
throughout my journey to Christ that I can remember exactly where I was and
about what date it happened. If I don’t remember the date I can look back in my
journals and usually find it.
These
are considered “Kairos” moments; (a propitious moment for decision or action.)
Once you decide to be a Christ follower you eventually go ‘all in’- you can’t
be both black and white or darkness and light. Most of us probably stay
somewhere in the middle most of our lives. I started thinking about when I went
all in and how long it took from the time, I had my accident and was baptized.
I pinpointed several pivotal moments that I can look back on and know that God
was shaping my character during those times to get me another step closer to a
Christ centered life. I couldn’t see it at the time but can now look back and
recognize how the important decisions I was making were better for my new life
and direction.
I
had just come out of an abusive relationship where I felt ashamed, unworthy of real
love and blamed myself for the things that happened to me. It was during this
timeframe of the breakup that I had my accident. The accident changed my life,
but it wasn’t at that exact moment that I went all in with Christ. That was
just the beginning.
I
was still dating and made bad choices for myself. But God began to work on my
heart and for the first time I realized that I didn’t have to allow a man to
disrespect my body just because that is what he wants. I have a choice. I have
a voice. I learned how to use it and stand up for myself. This Kairos moment
was just after my accident. This was only one stop on my road map to Christ,
but it was a very important one. I could have allowed this person to have his
way that day, like I had done so many times before with other men. But this
time was different. This time, a voice inside me told me I didn’t have to allow
this.
Another
important moment came the following year when I was dating again, this time to
a very nice person, but I knew I had to end it because I still wasn’t entirely
living for Christ. After a getaway weekend, I felt so convicted that I had to
end the relationship as soon as we got back. I couldn’t hide it or hold off any
longer. He could see it all over my face. I couldn’t hide it because God was in
my decision. I broke it off and moved another step closer to Christ.
Recently,
I was reminded of my accident and the events that happened that day. I saw each
step of that day moment by moment. I saw the changes I began making in my life
afterwards, but my lifestyle and focus on my relationship with God took time.
352 days came to mind. There were still a couple of bumps in the road, but He
led me to where I am today.
I
calculated the days to see what date that would be and then I searched all my
journals until I found it. Here is what I wrote in my journal 352 days from my
accident:
“A
person should never put themselves in a position that they would do anything
for another person when it conflicts with their morals and/or jeopardizes their
character. This type of relationship should only be with God. A person should
not put another person in that position or make it a condition of their
relationship or love for that person on those conditions.”
It
was very shortly after this that I stopped dating altogether and put all my
focus on my new relationship with God. I knew that is where my focus needed to
be, without distractions. This was my choice and five years later I am still
very happy about it. It gave me time that I needed to grow in Christ and figure
out who I was as a person and child of God.
I
am now reliant only on God. He is the only one I need to please. The things in
my life that I clung to the tightest are the very things I had to let go of.
The things I hid from for so long are the things that are being revealed and
bring me most joy because it will help others. He created me and saved me for
this purpose. I am chosen by God to carry out the mission He has planned for
me.
He
has a blueprint for my life that is unique as I am. He connects the dots on my
journey and directs my path on the road map to a Christ centered life that
brings joy and peace even through the speedbumps that occur along the way.
These just make me stronger and through endurance my faith grows.
Can
you look back and see any Kairos moments in your life that shaped your
character and brought you another step closer to Christ? Write them down. Pay attention
daily for any new opportunities. God can use everything for His good.
Dear brothers and sisters, when
troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to
grow. James 1:2-3
Trading
my vehicle in recently brought up some reflection into my past vehicles and
reasons for purchasing a different model. My 2011 Mazda was the best car I ever
owned, and I kept it the longest of any others. Even though I really like the
new (to me) one, it was hard to see her go.
That
wasn’t the case several years ago. One time I traded a vehicle off in a
heartbeat over one weekend simply because I thought it had been seen somewhere
it shouldn’t have been or really where I shouldn’t have been. Out of complete
fear I got rid of it as fast as I could. Then if anyone said they saw my car at
that place- I could say I traded it off. That part would be true. A half-truth
is really a lie in disguise.
I
have no idea how I managed to get by without getting caught. Those days brought
many sleepless nights; tears of misery. In bondage to the panic and fear of
someone finding out my secrets.
It
felt like I was skating on thin ice and any moment I would fall through. I
avoided any subject that got too close to my situation and could potentially be
turned into a direct question to me. I certainly never played truth or dare. At
least I never chose truth if I did play. I was certainly in over my head and it
almost drove me insane.
I
don’t miss those days. I am so happy to be free from the chains. No more
hiding. I can be me in public and private and not worry about who is watching
because they are the same person. I don’t even recognize the person I used to
be anymore.
Friend,
if you are hiding the truth, lying to yourself and others, trying to manage a
secret life; let me tell you something; that is a lot of work. Not cheerful
work. Miserable, heart-wrenching work. But there is hope. You can change. You
won’t be able to do it alone, but you can do it with God’s help.
I
traded shame, regrets, lies, disrespect, abuse, co-dependency, people-pleasing,
self-righteousness for freedom, love, joy, peace, faith, hope, healing,
forgiveness, thankfulness, salvation by grace and so much more.
He
loves you deeply. You know how I know? Because if He can love someone as broken
as me and change my life; He loves you too. You can trade in your old life for
a new one. That is one trade worth making. TODAY.
Those
lies and hidden secrets no longer have a stronghold on me. I am a victor in Christ,
and I am so very grateful that He chose to save me.
This means that
anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new
life has begun!
2 Corinthians 5:17
Check
out my complete story of how Christ saved me from my past and changed my life
forever in my book, Beyond Yourself- A Spiritual Awakening.
God
has moved some amazing mountains in my life since my accident. Truth be told He
probably moved a lot before that, but I wasn’t paying attention. There were so
many trials to face during the aftermath of the accident. I was in pain. I was
hanging out with strangers and had to rely on them for all my daily needs. I
had to fly home in a back brace and large cast with a wheelchair at every stop,
depending on others to get me to the gates on a red eye flight.
How
was I going to maneuver my bags, seat, time limits? I wasn’t. But God provided
all these things every step of the way. He moved mountains to get me taken care
of and safely back home. I had an overwhelming sense of peace, especially in
the airport, where normally I would be panicked and nervous. Yet, I had no
worry or fear whatsoever. It was literally out of my hands.
Oddly
enough I can look back at the accident and realize that was the one mountain He
didn’t move. Why? I believe it was the one I had to hit to realize I wasn’t in
control. It is the one that jolted me awake out of my self-induced stupor. The
one that made me pay attention to what God is doing in my life. The one that
saved my life by the grace of God who created it. He gives me my very breath
and could have easily allowed it to be taken away- but He chose to save me.
It
is by His divine glory and grace that I am even here to write this today. He
saved me not only from this wreck, but from myself and the train wreck I had
become. My life was in complete and utter shambles – I was holding on to things
I needed to let go of. Like an abusive relationship- who does that?! Me…that is
who. At least the person I was before God intervened. I was gripping it with
both hands. I had two broken arms in one year because I had to let go.
I
didn’t have the audacity or gumption to stand up for myself in any situation.
All my life I gave myself over to others- especially men who used me and threw
me away without regard to my safety or well-being, without respect for my body.
Why should they respect it? I certainly wasn’t. In order words, I had no
backbone, therefore my back was broken in the accident on the mountain that day
so I could learn to stand firm and take up for myself and others.
This
may seem like a harsh statement- but it is my reality. I have come to terms
with the lengths God went to bring me home to Christ and be the person He
created me to be. I am grateful and stand in amazement (from my knees) every
single day that He chose me- of all people, in all my brokenness and
unworthiness, to live the life of the new person with a new purpose for my
life. He gives me faith and courage to take the next step every day.
“You
had to be there to accomplish my will for you in your life and show you another
way; a new perspective. It seems drastic, but that’s the only way you were
going to change your mind and your heart.”
Have you purchased your
copy of, Beyond Yourself – A Spiritual Awakening yet? You can order
on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Kindle or I can hook you up. Check out
my website www.angelakcrow.com. Contact me about speaking to your women’s group. Please
share. Thank you!
There
is so much potential in a day when we stay
open to God’s plan.
Do
you ever pray about divine appointments, connections and interventions? This is
something I recently became more aware of and started praying about on my
journey.
It
amazes me to see how God puts people in my path to help me. Recently I was
given the opportunity to help someone else.
Of
all the people in the San Francisco airport on so many different flights and
headed to different destinations, each on their own unique journey, God still
connected me to someone who I feel needed to hear my story and God experiences.
Do
you ever stop to think about all the decisions we make throughout the day and
why we make them or how sometimes you change your mind at the last minute and
do something totally different?
I
now see these as nudges from God.
I
had just arrived in the airport and found my gate. I had a lengthy layover, so
I headed off to get something to eat. The whole time I am wondering where to get
food, but I had already decided I would go back to my gate to eat it.
The
first place I came to was a deli. My first thought was to just get something
there but then I decided to see what my other options were.
I
came upon a Pie Five and decided to try that instead. I hopped in line behind
another woman and we ordered our food. We stood together at the end of the
counter waiting for it to arrive without saying a word.
I
still had in my mind as soon as I got it, I would head to my gate. But when our
food came out, she turned to me and asked a simple question. “Do you think they
would mind if I sat at those tables?”
The
establishment we were at didn’t have any tables and she was referring to the
food place next to it.
I
first answered with an, “I’m not sure.” But quickly changed my course to join
her saying, “we can try it.”
As
we sat at tables next to each other, we started eating without saying another
word at first. But then I felt the nudge to start a conversation with her. I
began by simply asking where she was going, if she was headed home…you know the
normal airport trivia.
When she dealt the questions back in my direction, my trip to Mt. Shasta and the reason I had been there became our topic of discussion for the next several moments. Of course, that led to the accident and my story which is my testimony of how God spared my life and changed it forever through a tragic year.
Out
of that I described the relationship I now have with Christ that I didn’t have
before. She inquired, “So that is real? You can have a relationship with God?”
Several questions followed and I knew why I was put there, in her path. She told me she struggles with believing God is real and that she really wants to believe that she can have a relationship with Him. She went on to say she knows He loves her deeply. She just hasn’t experienced what others seem to have so it makes her question it.
She
explained how she sat next to a man on her last flight who also had a message
for her. During our conversation I admitted to her that I had prayed for divine
connections and felt she was one of them. Looking astonished she said the man
on the plane had told her the same thing.
God
placed at least two people in her path that day (maybe more before the day was
through) to show her He is indeed real and encourage her to keep trying. Only
God can orchestrate that kind of divine connection. I was blessed to see it firsthand
and be able to share the Good News with her.
What
a beautiful reminder that God is still at work, Amen!
And
may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how
long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18
Part of this journey was to visit Hope Church in Chico and meet the people who received the encouraging notes sent last year after they lost their homes and church building in the fire. Yesterday, I drove to Chico, CA to attend services.
The message was about how God can use your pain and past experiences to help others. That was appropriate. I enjoyed worshiping with them and got the chance to meet the pastor afterwards.
On my way out of town I made a stop by the Butte County Fire Dept. to thank them for their service and let them know someone across the country in Lexington, KY is still praying for them.
The photo above is at McCloud Falls. Tim has been a great tour guide and given me many new memories of the area including a picnic and our hike to the falls.
Today is a quiet day, preparing for the trip home. I am grateful for all the experiences, love, new friendships and hospitality that has been extended to me on this journey- but I feel the mission is complete and am looking forward to getting back home.
God was definitely at work making divine connections and new memories.
We adore You as the one who is over all things. I Chronicles 29:11
I knew I had to go back. I had to do this on my own- with God. I needed a few moments in that space to thank God for sparing my life and turn a daunting mountain memory into just another spot in the road.
My heart raced faster than the speed I was traveling as I drove a snails pace, praying the whole way. The drive seemed a lot longer than before. I am still a little perplexed how the turn off to the mountain is nothing like my memory.
I noticed the 20 mph curve sign in a new light as I crept around the curve and pull off in front of the rock embankment- tears followed.
I knew I needed this time just as I knew when it was time to go. I didn’t want to linger there longer than necessary, but snapped a few photos, said my prayer, had a moment of silence and moved on.
Yak’s was my next stop, which was the location we had brunch the day of the accident. It had also changed. It is now a coffee shop with a new name and no longer has the tables outside that I remember.
As I sit sipping my chai latte and write my thoughts in my journal for this post- I reflect on the changes that have taken place here in the last six years- and in me.
I found my way back to the t-shirt shop and then meandered back across the street and into the shop where Amorah’s store used to be. Without entirely realizing it, I had traced our steps from that day, only in reverse.
It is now complete- I have come full circle, and am so grateful God gave me the strength to make this journey.
As I sat at the accident site with my journal in my hand this verse came to me. “I love you with an everlasting love.” (Jeremiah 31:3)
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Phil. 4:13
Faith Walk Ministries, Inc. 