The Mountain He Didn’t Move

God has moved some amazing mountains in my life since my accident. Truth be told He probably moved a lot before that, but I wasn’t paying attention. There were so many trials to face during the aftermath of the accident. I was in pain. I was hanging out with strangers and had to rely on them for all my daily needs. I had to fly home in a back brace and large cast with a wheelchair at every stop, depending on others to get me to the gates on a red eye flight.

How was I going to maneuver my bags, seat, time limits? I wasn’t. But God provided all these things every step of the way. He moved mountains to get me taken care of and safely back home. I had an overwhelming sense of peace, especially in the airport, where normally I would be panicked and nervous. Yet, I had no worry or fear whatsoever. It was literally out of my hands.

Oddly enough I can look back at the accident and realize that was the one mountain He didn’t move. Why? I believe it was the one I had to hit to realize I wasn’t in control. It is the one that jolted me awake out of my self-induced stupor. The one that made me pay attention to what God is doing in my life. The one that saved my life by the grace of God who created it. He gives me my very breath and could have easily allowed it to be taken away- but He chose to save me.

It is by His divine glory and grace that I am even here to write this today. He saved me not only from this wreck, but from myself and the train wreck I had become. My life was in complete and utter shambles – I was holding on to things I needed to let go of. Like an abusive relationship- who does that?! Me…that is who. At least the person I was before God intervened. I was gripping it with both hands. I had two broken arms in one year because I had to let go.

I didn’t have the audacity or gumption to stand up for myself in any situation. All my life I gave myself over to others- especially men who used me and threw me away without regard to my safety or well-being, without respect for my body. Why should they respect it? I certainly wasn’t. In order words, I had no backbone, therefore my back was broken in the accident on the mountain that day so I could learn to stand firm and take up for myself and others.

This may seem like a harsh statement- but it is my reality. I have come to terms with the lengths God went to bring me home to Christ and be the person He created me to be. I am grateful and stand in amazement (from my knees) every single day that He chose me- of all people, in all my brokenness and unworthiness, to live the life of the new person with a new purpose for my life. He gives me faith and courage to take the next step every day.

Message from the Holy Spirit about my accident:

“You had to be there to accomplish my will for you in your life and show you another way; a new perspective. It seems drastic, but that’s the only way you were going to change your mind and your heart.”

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I knew I had to go back. I had to do this on my own- with God. I needed a few moments in that space to thank God for sparing my life and turn a daunting mountain memory into just another spot in the road.

My heart raced faster than the speed I was traveling as I drove a snails pace, praying the whole way. The drive seemed a lot longer than before. I am still a little perplexed how the turn off to the mountain is nothing like my memory.

I noticed the 20 mph curve sign in a new light as I crept around the curve and pull off in front of the rock embankment- tears followed.

I knew I needed this time just as I knew when it was time to go. I didn’t want to linger there longer than necessary, but snapped a few photos, said my prayer, had a moment of silence and moved on.

Yak’s was my next stop, which was the location we had brunch the day of the accident. It had also changed. It is now a coffee shop with a new name and no longer has the tables outside that I remember.

As I sit sipping my chai latte and write my thoughts in my journal for this post- I reflect on the changes that have taken place here in the last six years- and in me.

I found my way back to the t-shirt shop and then meandered back across the street and into the shop where Amorah’s store used to be. Without entirely realizing it, I had traced our steps from that day, only in reverse.

It is now complete- I have come full circle, and am so grateful God gave me the strength to make this journey.

As I sat at the accident site with my journal in my hand this verse came to me. “I love you with an everlasting love.” (Jeremiah 31:3)

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Phil. 4:13

Divine Intervention

Ocean view cabin at Smith River, CA

Since I had plenty of time on my hands with the lengthy layovers and flight delays I’ve spent a lot of time reading. I met a girl at a writing conference recently who had also just published a book about her life story- also full of tragedy, loss and broken bones. We exchanged books and hugs. Her story also included an abusive relationship, but a different kind of abuse than my own. She was duped into a marriage full of lies by a cocaine addict and didn’t have a clue until the ink had dried on the marriage certificate.

Her dreams of becoming a mom were dashed not only from a broken pelvis, not once but twice, but also from a lying, drug addicted man whom the foster care dept. saw to be an unfit home for an adopted child.

Her prayers for a child were not answered.

I can look back at my own story and see places where I was heartbroken over things not going my way. Things God knew were not good for me. Like an abusive relationship that I clung to with everything I had in me.

In hindsight, God’s unanswered prayers and divine intervention saved my life many times over and changed it for the better. I think in her story God knew it was best not to place a child in that situation.

God always knows best. He always wants better lives for us that we sometimes want for ourselves, simply because we can’t see the big picture when we are in the middle of the trenches just trying to survive.

If we can learn to trust Him with the outcome even when we think we want a different one than what He is offering, we could just enjoy the journey knowing God’s got this. Just because I can’t see the bigger picture – I know God can and I can have faith that He is preparing the way before me. I just need to listen and respond with courage, trust and obey.

I have learned in my own life I need not fear the path He leads me to and am still learning to push through the fear and nerves and the not known variables to just do the next thing- the one He is leading me to- not of my own understanding or courage; but through the strength, discernment and faith He gives me to be confident. Not in myself but in what He is doing in and through me. The past things I entrusted to men proved to be the things I should have feared most, not the things God is offering. God is a good, good Father we can trust with our lives and our dreams.

“See, God has come to save me. I will trust Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song, He has given me victory.” Isaiah 12:2